Luckily, They Have Nine Lives
by By the Sounding Sea
Summary: Mary wants to get a cat. But Marshall doesn't think it's a good idea. Inspired by the episode "Fish or Cut Betta." Another story where I made myself laugh whilst writing it.


**Just an idea I had. It's not horrible. It's pretty funny, actually. I kind of would like to see Mary with a cat, though. But she'd probably end up killing it, intentionally or unintentionally. Anyway, I do not own _In Plain Sight_. Enjoy!**

* * *

"You want a _what_?"

"You heard me, doofus."

"I heard you, I just don't believe you," Marshall said. "A cat, Mary? A _cat_?"

"Are you really that surprised?"

"For _so_ many reasons. What do you plan on doing with this cat?"

"What do you mean? What do other cat-owners do with their cats? They feed 'em and they watch 'em strut about like the own the place, those smug felines, and every month or so, they get to torture 'em by giving them a bath."

"'Get to'?"

"Huh?"

"They 'get to' torture their cats?"

"I believe so, yes."

"Most people would say 'have to.'"

"Well, I view it differently."

"So it seems. You're not going to eat it, are you?"

"What the _hell_ are you talking about, Marshall?"

"Well, you _did_ come in one day ranting about how delicious the goat boiling on your stove was," Marshall said. "You have to admit, it's a valid question."

"Hmm. I guess you're right."

"Wait, you're gonna eat it?"

"No, moron! I meant you're right about that being a valid question."

"Thank God."

"Though I _do _wonder what that would taste like," Mary said.

"Let's not find out."

"That's actually a good idea, Marshall," Mary said.

"What's a good idea?"

"I could get a cat and raise it like they do cattle—"

"Good God."

"Then after a few months, we'd kill it—"

"Here we go."

"And then you could cook it—"

"This is horrific."

"And then we can eat it together."

"That was one of the most disturbing things I have ever heard come out of your mouth."

"You think?"

"I am not cooking you a cat."

"Oh, fine."

"Wow, Mary."

"Get over it, Prudence."

"What would you name it?"

"That's a good question." Mary thought for a moment. "I guess I could name it Numbnuts."

"You want to name your cat Numbnuts?"

"Well, of course not. I can think of _tons_ of better names. But I couldn't name it Jackass or Prick, could I? That would upset the neighbors."

Marshall thought about that for a minute.

"Well…I guess that makes sense," he said slowly. "In a Mary Shannon kind of way."

"I'll take that."

"What kind would you want?"

"They have different kinds now?"

"Yes!"

"Well, ain't that somethin'?" Mary shrugged. "I dunno. I'll take any cat. Just as long as it's got four legs and isn't rabid."

"Seems like a reasonable order."

"Haven't you ever wanted a pet or something?" Mary asked.

"I've always kind of wanted a pig," Marshall said.

"A pig, Marshall? Seriously?"

"Yeah, sure. They're very clean and intelligent, despite popular belief. So why not?"

"Maybe I should get an elephant," Mary said thoughtfully.

"Not sure this neighborhood is zoned for elephants, but an intriguing notion nonetheless. Maybe you should get a dog."

"Why a dog?"

"Why a cat?"

"Low maintenance," Mary offered. "You just have to leave out some food and…milk, right?"

"Nope, common misconception," Marshall said. "You should not give a cat milk. That'll make it sick."

"Alright, fine. Leave out some food and water and you're done."

"You'd be one competent cat owner, Mary," Marshall said. "You know, maybe we should go find a copy of the state laws."

"Why?" Mary asked slowly.

"To see if it's even legal for you to own a domesticated animal of any sort."

"Funny boy."

"I know," Marshall said with a smile.

"Maybe I could get a rabbit," Mary said.

"I'm almost afraid to ask but, why a rabbit?"

"Rabbits make good target practice."

"Oh, yeah. You should definitely own a pet," Marshall said sarcastically, shaking his head. "You should get a snake."

"Why?"

"Well, first, they kind of fit your personality, don't they?"

"Ha, ha."

"And second, do you know what you feed a snake?"

"Snake food?" Mary deadpanned.

"Dead mice. Or live mice, if you're feeling sadistic. I'm pretty sure you are," Marshall said.

"Dead mice, huh?"

"Oh, my God," Marshall groaned. "You're actually going to get a snake because it eats dead mice?"

"Did I say I was going to get a snake?"

"No."

"Then I'm not going to get a snake."

"If you want to get a low maintenance pet that fits your personality, you should get a fish."

"A fish?"

"Specifically a Betta fish."

"Why?"

"Because while most fish like to swim in schools, the Betta prefers to be alone. Has to be alone," Marshall said. "They're also extremely violent. They'll kill anyone that gets close to them. Kind of pretty, too."

Mary smiled. "Thanks."

"You're welcome. Why do you have this sudden desire for a pet, anyway?"

"I'm not sure," Mary admitted. "But you're probably right. It'd be best if I didn't own a cat."

"Yeah. Definitely. Or any mammal," Marshall stood up from his desk. "I'm gonna go."

"Mmm-kay."

"You going home?"

"Yeah. Eventually."

"Where are you going, then?"

"I'm doing what you said, Marshall," Mary said as she walked past him out the door. "I'm gonna make a new friend."

**XXX**

Mary sat on the couch in her living room as she stared at her newest acquisition. The Betta fish (who she had named Karma, because karma's a bitch) swam around in its bowl. She smiled, pleased. Mary grabbed her phone and speed dialed Marshall's number.

"Marshall. I'm starving. Sushi?"


End file.
